Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I wish I could buy back the woman you stole

I have a confession to make. Pathetic as it may seem and self indulgent as well one of the reasons I have been so void on this little blog over the past year is because I got what I had always wanted-job wise-music industry wise-for the most part. Funny that it should work out that way and the result would be me not WANTING to write at all. Countless nights I would start drafts to share something i was listening to and loving and would walk away heartless and unfulfilled. This had never happened to me before. It was worse than writers block, worse than a broken heart it was like something had died. Now I know this sounds a bit over the edge and the worst part is it all became a realization to me this past Sunday...watching a movie. A girlie movie to be exact. I was happily enjoying Julie and Julia with the security of my best friend and avid supporter of all that I do and was teary eyed watching Julie blog her way through her idol's recipes. In the end all of her dreams come true. She becomes a paid writer for what she loves. All I ever wanted was to work for someone who when I recommended a band wouldn't make fun of me because there was a 'the' in the title, or challenge me for who they sounded like...or worst yet-just ignore me and then a year later be pissy when they couldn't get into a sold out Animal Collective show because all of the sudden they were popular and they felt they deserved to go even though they had hated on AC and Panda Bear for YEARS. (deep breath). But I digress. In the film Julie receives wind that Julia does not care for her blog. She is upset of course. It was at this point that I realized the same sort of heartbreak had befallen me and what upset me the most about the whole situation was something I could not even put my finger on. This past year I was able to help the one person I regarded as my music bible, my hero, my emblem of all the good in the music industry. At the same time mistakes were made, miscommunication and ultimately I was left out to dry all alone in the wind for these errors. This was all fine, it is a good lesson to learn and no one can support yourself but you. When it all comes down to it you either pick yourself up and move on and learn from it or you don't. The worst thing was that all of the sudden my joy of helping bands was lost in all of it. My ability to write a show review, to seamlessly blend into an audience and zone out, my confidence in discovering and recommending something new---all of these things that keep my job fresh and new for me and my feet happily skipping along to my ipod on the most depressing of summer days (if you lived in nyc this summer you would know what i mean) evaporated into thin air. I still do not like to buy into the generalization that everyone in my industry is a greedy, soulless carpetbagger and i never will. I believe that some of the most beautiful music i have ever heard came out last year in 2008 and we have many happy things to look forward to. I met my boyfriend working in an office where he was the only person who really took my recommendations seriously and talked to me about books. In this same office I met a girl who I admire beyond words and if I am ever able is one of the only people I would go to for starting a business with. Just this summer at Pitchfork I spent two hours with two bloggers I was meeting for the first time giggling and smiling with delight sharing music like we would have oreos in the first grade. This is why music makes my heart break. This is why it is heartbreaking to me when I cannot write about it. I am not sure where I will go from here but hopefully it will be a return to writing more often. For i miss it, more than my dream of working with that one person I had most admired. Which is what Julie realized in the movie in a way. Silly the things you realize when you aren't even looking for an answer.

And because if i could be a super hero, i would want to be Karen O.

1 comment:

marsoolala said...

never stop. love you